Oh Jerry...

American football is better in almost every way to English Soccer or Soccer as a whole. But there is one thing that soccer does better than us and that’s the art of the song during games. For example, West Ham United has a song called “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” which is about a schoolboy footballer William "Bubbles" Murray, who was nicknamed for his resemblance to a character in a Pears Soap advert. Because why not. While Tottenham has “Oh, When the Spurs Go Marching In” which is about… well, when spurs go marching in of course. It’s a shame these kinds of anthems have never caught on here in the states. But after yesterday’s trade of Mich Parsons to the Green Bay Packers, fans of the Dallas Cowboys will be making a collection of songs that will echo throughout AT&T Stadium, local pubs and greater Dallas homes for years to come.

Oh, Jerryyyy you blundered another one.

Oh, Jerryyyy you hindered another one.

Oh, Jerryyyy you cluttered another one.

Oh, Jerryyyy you shuttered another one.

“Does that even work?”

“Probably not but who cares keep going.”

Oh, Jerryyyy you muttered another one.

“Ok that definitely doesn’t work.” 

Jerry, among us guys there is no way you were going to pay Micah Parsons 188 million dollars. You can sit on that stage with the giant Cowboy’s star and Miller Lite logos behind you while speaking gibberish about how you wanted to trade “Michael I mean Micah” to a team with a good defensive tackle because you wanted to fill a giant hole in your defense and stop the run in 2025 all you want but the truth is you did not and wouldn’t pay “Michael I mean Micah” that much money. Now you’re going to need to fill the massive hole in the rushing the passer aspect of your defense.  

The funny thing is Jerry Jones and the Cowboys aren’t new to this whole trading your best player on your team for picks strategy. This strategy has worked once before when all the way back in the late nineteen hundreds the Cowboys traded running back Herschel Walker to the Minnesota Vikings for linebacker Jesse Solomon, linebacker David Howard, cornerback Issiac Holt, and defensive end Alex Stewart, along with a staggering eight total draft picks. Can we pause for a second and just ask the question of what the hell were the Vikings thinking? It's liking a Viking giving a Cowboy all its gold and treasures for nothing but a tree stump and a AMC+ subscription. Who wants an AMC+ subscription besides a pack of ravage zombies seeing if they made the 400th season of The Walking Dead. I digress. This monumental trade allotted the Cowboys to acquire key players Emmitt Smith and Darren Woodson who were pivotal to the Cowboys three Super Bowl wins in the 1990’s.

 Yes, it worked once before so let’s give the master roster craftsman Jerry Jones a chance and analyze this trade from his point of view. First let’s look at the positives. He doesn’t have to pay out another 100 million dollar plus contract because the other ones worked out so well before... He received two first round draft picks that he can use to trade for other players or pick new franchise players in the late first round of the NFL draft with. He received a pro bowl defensive tackle in Kenny Clark who can come in right away and stop the run maybe even try to hinder their division rival’s tush push. He got rid of podcaster. Credit where credit is due all in all not a bad haul for a single player.

Now the negatives. He traded an elite pass rusher which is something you should never do. He traded the best player on his team, who when on the field makes the cowboys defense one of the best in the league and when off the field it is statically one of the worst. He helped a conference foe reach Super Bowl contender status. Did I mention he traded possibly the best defensive player in the league who in 4 years had accumulated 234 tackles, 52.5 sacks and a flabbergasting 177 career pressures on the quarterback. That’s a 20.3% career pressure rate against the quarterback. Now that’s a gap that is hard to replace.

Jerry I understand that you had to do what was best for the franchise in your eyes. But this didn’t seem like it was the smartest of moves. The fans of the Cowboys cannot be happy right now. I know if I was a lifelong cowboys I would have a real hard time trusting you after 30 years of mediocrity. Now I could be wrong (lord knows I am more wrong than I am right) and this trade might lead to all the same success that you had in the 90’s. But in the meantime, don’t be surprised if during your first home game on September 14^th vs the New York Giants you hear,

Oh, Jerryyyy you blundered another one.

Oh, Jerryyyy you hindered another one.

Oh, Jerryyyy you cluttered another one.

Oh, Jerryyyy you shuttered another one.

Oh, Jerryyyy how could you do this to us.

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Packers Super Bowl Parade.  

Future Bet's With Future Brett.

“Hey Brett from the past it’s me Brett from the future. First of all, how are you?”

“I’m doing well. Wow that’s so kind of you to ask. I’m just sitting here, putting a few future bets together while gearing up for another football season. More importantly how are you future Brett? Did we finally find out if Emma the secretary on the 8^th floor likes us?”

“Yeah, we did.”

“And….?”

“No, no, she doesn’t. She thinks we are really weird."

"Damn... Really?"

"Yeah. I mean I can't imagine why. Maybe it's the fact that we haven't said two words to this women in the three years we have worked together and we should probably stop staring at her with drool cascading out the side of our mouth while talking to ourselves in the corner of the breakroom…”

“Well Shoot… I thought we had a real shot at that one.”

“Did you really? Then you are much more delusional than we thought. Anyways… Besides that, I’m good. But I’m a little worried about you?”

“Why is that future Brett? It can’t be because of one bad experience with a female.”

“No. We have plenty of those… I’m just wondering if you have lost your God damn Mind!”

“No, I don’t think so…”

“Then can you tell me why the actual fuck you put $50 on the Jacksonville Jaguars to win the fucking Super Bowl!!! Do you want to bankrupt us?”

“I tho-tho-tho thought that it was…”

“Stop! Just Stop! I’m going to need you to stop thinking that Trevor Lawrence can lead the Jags to a Super Bowl let alone get through the gauntlet that is the AFC. By the way I can those speech therapy classes from a few years ago are really working. You need to get your ass back into speech therapy to fix that stutter. You’re really embarrassing us at work.”

“Little bit harsh don’t you think future Brett?”

“No not at all. Anyone that puts $50 on the Jags to win the Super Bowl needs to get a psych evaluation immediately. I need you to get your shit together. Otherwise, we are going to end up broke, homeless and alone. Well let’s be honest either way we’re going to end up alone if you don’t stop drooling over secretaries that are sixes at best.”

“Really a six? You think Emma is a six?

"Yes... At best."

"And you don’t think we can land a six?”

“Not if you don’t pick your slobber up off the floor you bumbling idiot. Anyways, that’s what you took from that? Not the fact you put a weeks’ worth of food on a quarterback that has better hair than all the women you have ever dated and a coach that can’t pronounce Duval without sounding and looking like a serial killer!”

“But he’s the new whiz-kid...”

“But nothing! 

“Now I know I’ve been a bit harsh past Brett.”

“A Bit? You pretty much compared me to a babbling brook.”

“I would say a babbling brook has more brain cells than you. But I’m going to need you to clean out those ears that you and I both know haven’t been touched since the 8^th grade and listen up.”

“Ok, ok. Let me grab a pen and paper so I can write this down… I know it’s somewhere in this drawer. Well, it’s not behind the Minions Pez dispenser. Shoot. Hmm… Maybe it’s next to the Dick Trickle rookie card.”

“Oh, for fuck sake… and while I’m here, throw away that Pez dispenser. Thing has collected more dust than that bookshelf that you supposedly read from.”

“Ah Found it. Go ahead future me.”

“Wait… What the fuck is that?

"What? It's the Minnesota Rokkr notepad we got from one of those watch parties."

"You still have that thing?”

“Yeah. We sure do.”

"Oh, we are forsure dying alone..."

“Alright, let’s start off by saying you do have some good ideas for future bets.”

“A compliment? That’s strange coming from Mr. I can see the future.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. Even though I do like that you bet on every Jayden Daniels and Saquon Barkley under thinking there is no way they can repeat last season’s stats. Or the fact you bet the Saints would finish with the worst record in the league. These are good bets. But I’m not here to tell you about the good bets. I’m here to stop you from making grave mistake after grave mistake.”  

“Soooo yes, to betting on The Saints to stink?”

“Grab another Q-tip and listen up.”

“What? You said that was a good bet.”

“Now I know it seems like a good idea to bet on the Hawaii Rainbows to win the Mountain West since they are somehow favored against the Stanford Stoned Trees during their week 0 match up. Let’s just not do that and say we did. I have no problem with you betting on the midnight games because it’s always fun to have a little late-night action on the big island. But let’s not go putting a future down on the rainbows even though +2000 to win the conference isn’t the worst odds I’ve seen you bet on.”

“Ok, so yes to Hawaii games, no to Hawaii futures. Got It.”

“There is hope for you yet.” 

“Second. Let’s pump the breaks on the whole Denver Broncos to win the Super Bowl thing. I know on 08/16/25 you filled out a division winner spreadsheet with your buddy and you had Denver winning the Super Bowl.”

“How did you know that?”

“I’m you dip shit.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Yes, did they load up on both sides of the ball. Yes, that smug faced Sean Payton seems to know what he is doing. Yes, Denver has one of the best offensive lines in the league. Yes, Bo Nix looks good after year one. Oh shoot, on second thought. You might be right... Maybe you should bet the house on The Broncos to win the Super Bowl.”

“See future Brett. Not the worst idea when you break it down.”

“Damn it. I hate that you’re right. Let’s just forget I mentioned that one.”

“Third. Kyler Murray isn’t winning the NFL MVP. I know you bet on it last year and I was ok with that but let’s stay away from that head case who decides on the days he feels like running.”

“But this is going to be his year. He has skill position talent everywhere and another year of learning how to play with Marvin Harrison Jr.”

“Go get a brain scan. Right now, right fucking now!”

“Why? This seems like a great bet.”

“Why? Why is that a great bet? The guy has been quoted saying,”

 “I’m open to running more next year, just because it’s such a weapon, you know, it’s such a weapon.”

“No shit Kyler. Its year 6 and you’re just figuring this out now.”

“Come on future Brett, give the guy a break. I mean we aren’t the quickest learners.”

“Tell me about it… But give the guy a break? He has been playing Call of Duty for years now. He knows what a weapon is, and he is just figuring out now that his legs are lethal. I bet if you ask him what scope and barrel combo should go on his XM4 to maximize its potential during a 100-meter one-on-one fight in the foothills of Verdansk he would tell you in two seconds.”

“Hey at least he is learning. Better late than never is what I always say.”

“You have never said that in your life.”

“How do you know?”

“I’m not answering that question for the second time today. Just please stay away.”

“Alright, I will.”

 “Fourth and finally. I know how you (we) get attached to certain players throughout time.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Well for starters we had a severe man crush on Julio Jones for a good 8 years. It got so bad that every time he took the field NASA would call Minnesota state officials to check if there was a new Burj Khalifa being built from a resident’s crotch.”

“Oh, I forgot about that… what a specimen he was. Never could really score a touchdown (I blame Matt Ryan) but good god could he get open and get you yards when needed.”

“Ok, keep in your pants or Emaar Hospitality is going to call looking for investment opportunities.”

“I will. But I haven’t felt that way about a player in years.”

“Are you sure about that past Brett?”

“Ah yeah, pretty sure?”

“Does Patrick Mahomes ring any bells in that empty skull of yours?”

“Oh yeah… Now that I think about it, I have had a few butterflies in my stomach when I see those bowlegs waddle out onto the field. Hey, you know what future Brett?”

“Yes?”

“When you insult me, you’re actually insulting yourself.”

“Hmm? I never thought about it that way… I’m sure there is some deeper meaning there but who’s got time for that. This article is already getting way to long. People probably lost interest 3 paragraphs ago.”

“Now back to the important stuff. Your draft is coming up in couple days and I implore you not to take Patrick Mahomes in the 3^rd round like you have done in the last 5 seasons.”

“Don’t worry future Brett. I will not. I have learned my lesson.”

“Are you sure? Because we tend to tense up in the moment and just take him because our heart can’t take it if we see him on an opposing team.”

“Don’t worry I won’t… But he does have a full offseason with Xavier Worthy under his belt.”

“Oh No… Don’t…”

“And it’s probably Travis Kelce’s last season, so they are going to want to go out with a bang.”

“I’m warning you.”

“Rashed Rice is going to be back for a little while before and after a minor stint in jail.”

“You’re going to do it aren’t you.”

“You know what? I talked myself into it! I’m taking Mahomes in the 3^rd.

“Oh, Fuck Off!”

Thanks For Reading & Good Luck With Your Future Bets!

Thank You To The Old Guard.

I sent a signal to my body this morning that it’s time to get up, with an elongated stretch and an audible grown. I then mustered enough strength to roll my decaying body out of bed, walked to the kitchen to grab a couple of eggs and a bagel from the fridge. My eyes averted the untouched honey crisp apples that have been there since I bought them Monday.

“Ah those apples will be good later…”

I said while knowing all good and well they will be feeding the bunnies in the backyard by weeks end. Instead of reaching for a delicious out of season honeycrisp apple, my brain told my hands that it was a much better idea to reach for a Diet Dr Pepper, I crack it open, take a sip and say,

“Ahh, the nectar of the gods. Just as good as an apple if not better.”

I began cracking my eggs into a hot tub of avocado oil butter… because you know, “healthy” and turned on a few golf highlights from yesterday’ Masters action. While my eggs were enjoying a nice morning soak I stumbled across a video of Jack Nicklaus, Tom Watson and Gary Player answering questions from reporters, while talking about the state of golf and other worldly golf topics.

Then a question was asked by a reporter directed at Gary Player,

“When was the last time you had fast food?”

Gary had a sly grin come across his face while having the best response,

“You don’t reach 90 like I do if you eat a bunch of crap, I can tell you that. But that’s your choice. Everyone has a choice, I want to live to a 100 because I love people, I love golf, and I love life.”

Once I heard that, I couldn’t have poured my Diet Dr. Pepper down my clogged drain faster. I then grabbed a cloudy glass from the dusty cabinet, poured some water from the tap into it, picked up one of those untouched apples from the fridge, topped my bagel sandwich with some spinach and said,

“Alright Gary, you win… Diet starts today…”

But how cool is that? I man who is staring down the barrel at 90 is still enjoying a great life, with a new girlfriend while kicking golf balls down the fairway at Augusta and his not the only old man out here still doing it. Tom Watson, at the age of 75 looks like his swing hasn’t changed in 50 years and Jack Nicklaus, well… let’s just say he surely impressed his wife Barbra an awful lot when he teed it up and sent a ball careening down the 1st fairway at the Honorary Starters Ceremony on Thursday morning.

The Honorary Starters Ceremony isn’t the only place where the old guard was making a name for itself. Freddy Couples at the ripe age of 65 got his first round started by chipping in from the left side of the green on 1 for a birdie. Then followed it up with a magnificent shot on 14 where he made an eagle from 191 yards away with a trusty 7-wood that he kissed right after the yellow Bridgestone ball find its way to the bottom of the cup. All this magic was concluded by navigating his way to a -1-par round of 71 during the first round of The Masters. Beating out the likes of Jordan Spieth, Justin Thomas, Collin Morikawa and tournament darling Rory McIlroy just to name a few.

So, in conclusion I just wanted to take some time to thank the older generation who paved the way for this great game to grow for a wonderful day on Thursday. Thank you Gary, for teaching me if I just take care of myself, I can live a great life well into my 80’s and even 90’s even though that means pouring the Dr. Pepper down the drain. Thanks Tom, for teaching me that my age may change but my swing can stay the same. Thanks Jack, for teaching me that after 45 years of marriage you can still impress your significant other. Thanks Freddy, for teaching me that no matter what your age is you can still compete with these young guys who hit the ball a mile with a little course knowledge and some magic from a 7-wood. Most importantly thanks dad for introducing me to a game that I can enjoy playing and talking about with you for a lifetime.

Thanks For Reading and Enjoy The Weekend At The Masters.